Base looks at me and says ‘you are my dinner date this Friday’. I almost fall off my seat. No really, how do you drop the D word on me like that? There is supposed to be ceremony! I mean, considering I refer to my major meal of the day as supper, it’s only fair! Once the shock wears off, I ask him to repeat himself, slowly, not to omit any details and try using small words. Yes, I do that often. Telling people to use small words. I suspect some think I’m slow, but then we all know I have no slow bone in me. Don’t we?
Anywho, long story short, it was an event that required formal, cutesy dressing. I know! Eye popping right? Can’t blame you. Mine popped, run back to their sockets, and popped out again. Till I realized the dude was serious. He’s good to me. Tries to school me in the art of socialization. I was going to attend the dinner, if it killed me. After we talked, I figured since nothing extra was expected of me, I’d be ok. I told him as much. This is where he looks at me like I was actually slow. I asked him what the problem was. He swallows. Hard. I could see him gathering courage. He needed to. The next words that came from his mouth almost made me want to kill him. As courageously as he could, he says, and I quote ‘No Luv. You will need to get yourself a new DRESS, a pair of HEELS, put on some bit of MAKE-UP and probably carry a CLUTCH purse.’ Do you see how certain words are yelling out of that statement? Does it dawn on you now why he needed to gather courage to drop that on me?
I am of very good humor. I wanted to find out how he figured I was going to fit myself into the things above. He said there was always a first time. I’m not saying I have never done the things above. I’m just saying I could not remember how to neatly paint my face and how anyone figured it was a good idea to torture themselves in shoes that made you look like you were moon walking. This was before he mentioned that formal dinners typically require an engagement of fork and knife and those pretty napkins that you tie around your neck. Well, apparently, mine went on my lap. I do not need to tell you that a full blown argument ensued. Me trying to wiggle out of it, him saying I was being selfish, me telling him he was being selfish to trust me with heels around other humans. In the end, he won and yes….. wait for it…… I went dress and shoe shopping.
See those devils? Tell me you are not gasping, wondering how I got from point A to point B. Don’t ask. I have no idea either. I did. I even had my meal with fork and knife. I suppose what helped was the company. I was surrounded by very polite, extremely brilliant people, and if they saw me fumbling, either while I was getting my dinner or trying to figure out why they had to complicate things with tons of cutlery, (seriously, 3 spoons? 4 forks? 3 plates? Numerous knives? An accident waiting to happen if you ask me) they never let me notice. Conversations were polite, filled with humor even. Believe it or not, I did get to learn one or two new things. No! Not about the dressing. I’m glad I got dragged, albeit screaming and kicking, to that thing called formal dinner.